Thanksgiving...

was another day a new feel to an old holiday. It was nice to hang out with my sister we spent some much needed sister time together good chats and fun shopping kinda black friday on a thursday night was ridiculously stupid! i wont do it again!! It was also good to spend it wit my grandparents and my dads family. We talked about how thanksgiving was one of dads favoirte and how he likes to cook turkey and its always a new style or flavor of some sort!! It was good to talk about him my heart hurts that i cant call him. 

I have yelled at God and i even have stopped speaking to Him but not a second goes by that He reminds me Hes still in control and i need to stop and breath this is life and its gonna go on and get better the pain is still gonna be impending but only for a little bit!! 

Time is going like crazy

I haven't had internet for all month!!! Which sucks and so much has happen... oh I turned 30 its not really a big deal actually i thought about a having a "mid life" crisis but i did that when i was 22 haha so its whatever i don't feel older! 

I finally got a house!! It's cute 4 bedroom 2 bathroom its two story i  like it!! however for the future reference i don't want a two story house all flat is fine wit me!! 

I met this guy his name is Patrick!! I like him hes seems really cool!! Although hes younger then me lol 26 to be exact we seem to get along well! I went to his city this past weekend we went to this beach and walked on the pier had some good mexican food hung out a little bit with his grandma a nice little old lady. He has really nice family! i hope everything works out for the best!

I still miss my dad with every breathe i take and it seems easier to deal with when i dont think about him but when i do the melt down happens and streams of tears pour out of my eyes. Happens at least once a week. At the church here they have a grief class ill probably go to it and see how it is. I was talking to the Pastor  this morning i was like i feel mad i felt mad i was mad at God i was mad at everything and everyone and i wanted to blame my dads wife blame his job blame blame blame but i know its none of there faults and when i try to reason what happen it dont make sense and i feel mad all over again and asking God why why I already know why my dads work was done here God wanted him! i praise God that my dad knew Him had a relationship as well. 

I for the past few months have been clinging on to this verse :

 

yea its been the only thing that makes some sense to me!!  but yea im out this till a later day! 

hot and humid

is the weather here some days it rains its really nice. its October my favorite month because its my b-day month and because its the first of fall and its just a nice month!! I guess well see how October treats south Texas!!
   We still haven't found a house i know ive only been here two weeks but still i want one now! My kids need there own space its hard for them to sleep at night because they think its play time -_-! plus not having a space for my clothes and just to completely veg out isnt cool. Which im very very thankful, greatful and really blessed that my cousin is super awesome and lets us crash at her casa!! its very homey feeling and i like it!!
All of us as a family went to this aa dance because my other cousin goes to aa or whatever idk but it was fun and funny watching crazy's dance xD!!
 I have but havent been to much looking for a job im more looking for a house and feeling frustrated to the maxxxx but i know God has a plan!! something big is gunna happen soon with this world! Jesus we are ready for you to come so blow the trumpets!!
Sunday is my dirty 30 bday gah last weekend of m 20s lol im just gunna watch tv and hang out wit my boys!! ill past later!!

Tehillim 19 (Psalm 19)

^14 (15) Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my lev(heart), be acceptable in Thy sight, O Hashem, my Tzur (rock), and Go’ali (my Redeemer).

Sometimes i feel...

like a broken record on repeat when it comes to life and especially with my boys. Always same thing and just more frustration everyday. So i packed up some stuff on Thursday and i left Friday afternoon i checked the boys out of school and left Amarillo. I drove to Dallas spent the night and spent the day with my cousin and her kids it was nice to see them we had some fun!! Then i drove to Houston and i checked my boys into a new school and im looking for a house!

....... Why not!?

 We have one life to live and i dont wanna live it in amarillo because it sucks there!!! 

My dads birthday was on saturday and i tried all day not to think about it but everything i seen remind me of him he used to carry a giant mug to drink from and i seen them at every gas station -_- then driving to Houston i seen 3 sprint cars!!! lol i was like ok Fine dad i wont forget i cant forget i just cant call you and tell you so i just whispered happy first birthday in heaven dad! 

well nothing much else is happening just looking for a house im staying with my cousin at her house shes a trip were alot a like including our looks its kinda freaky LoL but cool ! Im gunna go to Galveston island and walk around look for a job or something fun.

trying to find a new normal

So since last Saturday till last night I had a hell of a week every little thing that happen I was thinking man I gotta call dad and tell him this  52 days he's been gone it's become a little easy to laugh but the sting of death still hurts.
I had a really bad day yesterday with the boys they haven't listened all week and they wouldn't clean up there toys so i finally went off they got showers after dinner and spankings a good talking to they happily went to bed after the COPS left!! yes the cops because i go into my room and see a freaking possum!!!! i called my uncle Doug and tell him to run his big butt over to my house cuz theres a crazy wild animal in my house!!! So he arrived and  he was like hahaha no call the county and get some experts here LOL i swear they sent the two most wimpiest cops LOL they were screaming and jumping around like girls LOL it was so funny, me and my uncle were standing at the end of hall and were like waiting for them to come so we can open the door my stupid cat come running the down the hall we both jumped a mile high!! it was good laugh xD although idk how this freaky animal came in my house!! yuck!! Today we were laughing about it at my grandmas thinking about how hard dad would have been laughing :) its good to laugh and be happy with my family even the thought of dad gone SUCKS but i know hes ok so i gotta get my head together and get this life rolling no more sleeping till the boys get outta school -<(*_*)> anywho i gotta get the boys some dinner and we gunna watch a movie before bed time!! 

People are ...

just people and i sometimes forget how not nice we are.  We begged my dads wife not to delete his facebook she didnt even listen to us she just told us well its not ur choice its mine she didnt even think of my grandparents facebook might be nothing to her but its where dad communicated from he'd leave nice notes and photos and although we did make him tribute page its not the same his comments are gone from his page our photos everywhere shes such a turd!! its nicest word i can use with out being ugly. 
   She brought all 3 of his guitars to my grandparents house im glad i was there grandpa gave me all 3 i just wanted 1 but ill take all 3 i gave Amy 2 because a few years back he gave me a red one. She also brought a cd from his rosary ill try to get it uploaded some how on here idk how but ill figure it out its a good video has 2 venture songs which was one of his favorite groups and Los  Lonely boys how far is heaven.

I was talking with Peter yesterday he always seems to have good advice lol esp with my kids lol cuz i kinna went nuts and yelled and i had the phone in my face lol  -_- opps sorryy sweets for yelling in yo face!  Anywho he gave me some ideas on how to handle Nehemiah and his freak outs. ill give it a try! Zaki is loving school Miah not so much he wants to be home schooled i dont think so!! We have open house tonite and then breakfast for dinner at Rissa's house!! blog mo' later!! 

On monday...

morning i left to go to Amys house and my tire just fell apart it was weird this nice trucker guy stopped and fixed it for me thank God i was like oh dang whom im gunna call my dad is in heaven so i called my grandpa

but the guy stopped and help so yea. i thought it was gunna be a bad day but it really wasnt!! Art and i actually went to our friends house from church for lunch and we played mexican train sorta like dominoes it was so fun and nice to fellowship with good people!! then one of my favorite person Peter called its always great to talk to him i love that guy!! Im so ready for a change idk i feel something good is going to happen soon -_- idk when i just feel it... anyways i found this nice thing for my dad ill share it so not much to say just getting this stuff off my chest... 

somedays

i think i have no idea what to think brain dead a bit i feel like it blah we went to dads grave site yesterday left a few things its first time i been since we took the kids.. honestly i don't like going it feels empty and only makes me sad there

i just have dad in my memory's and tons of great photos!! This nice lady from church brought us a frozen lasagna for dinner it was good im happy she did that!!

We didn't go to church tonight as we are going in the morning i like switching it up sometimes and i think Nehemiah wanted to go to 2nd service because one of his friends and his mom help in his class and he likes that so well prolly go at that time.

Im so ready to move to Houston today! but i cant till next month grr i just wanna get up and go and try to make a new normal -_- i feel something good is going to happen there anyways!! Praise Jesus well im gunna go my mind is empty will post again... 

with love friends.. 

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. Psalms 19:14

יִהְיוּ לְרָצוֹן אִמְרֵי-פִי, וְהֶגְיוֹן לִבִּי    לְפָנֶיךָ:
יְהוָה,    צוּרִי וְגֹאֲלִי.

Church was..

...really cool last night!! It was Genesis 5  if yall haven't read it YALL need too! But you need to pull out a Hebrew lexicon ( i have one you can barrow LoL ) and do the name game! all the names in that chapter mean something so great  you'll be amazed! Don't think im going to tell you because im not its something you should look it up  on your own its too good i don't wanna ruin it for you once you understand it!! But speaking of church i take notes all the time and in my book there's about 10 or so pages that the ink has disappeared!!! you can still see it but not enough to read it!! so weird and i don't even know what pen i used! freaky stuff right there!! 

Tony had surgery again today on his heart they replaced the mechanism device thingy again it broke -_- poor guy id hate to have that done. But thanks God everything went well were still praying for him tho. 

Im pretty sure im moving to Houston next month not exactly in Houston but a surrounding area there for sure! im excited as are the boys because they wanna live by the beach and hey why not! we have one life to live so might as well make it fun. 

last night at church i had a vision during worship and i grabbed my book and just starting writing the vision in words it makes sense to me since all the dramic things that have been going on ...so its below as im super nervous to share but its for me so yea...

Lord I feel you tugging on my soul (its a hurt i long for) knowing you'll never let me go God help me to hear you and help me to give you all of me,my worry my pain everything that's screaming in my brain If i can only trust You  and I  know You'll  make it all ok  Lord help me just say Your name JESUS!!! 

 28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”Matthew 11:28-30

Michael W. Smith - The One That Really Matters (Live) ft. Kari Jobe

thoughts and words

are running rampant in my mind.  I cant live this life pain free no matter how much emotion i block out of my life sure i am joyful and happy and sad i still fell these things it some thing im used too im always happy my babys make me happy church makes me happy my family makes me happy and its real it just feels hidden. idk how to describe. My emotions are still running high from my dad  it just sucks LORD help to deal with this if i try to block it from my mind im ok but then i cant because its to real -_- i dont wanna deal with it!! i just want the pain to stop im happy my dad is with Jesus so much better place then this hell hole of life but LORD it doesn't make it easier.
  Any who moving on.. my babys went back to school  Zaki loves it Miahs like really i hate it i just wanna stay home and watch mine-craft videos lol he loves and hes never even play it lol they are getting so big!!!

Tony is having heart surgery again on thursday he and mom are nervous this a 50/50 life saving or ending ordeal Tony said hes ready if he dies his love or the lord is amazing he inspires me!! Mom is like no way dont say this im not ready to lose anyone else as her parents died last year and my dad whose her ex they were married for 25  years thats along time.

ummm when i was like 12/13 i used to chat on yahoo 24/7 lol i met this girl on a britney spears chat we were yelling and making fun of people LOL so we became good friends and today we still are friends we exchanged addresses and she loves in Australia her name is Mery we used to write letters and send each other gifts like pen pals!! shes so funny shes a few years older then me we were PBNF's which we made it and said its poop best net friends lol we still call each other PBNF lol shes awesome were gunna finally meet this coming next year God willing her and now fiance!! are coming to USA to do a bunch of stuff shes so funny im so excited for this!! 

Micheal W. Smith has a new cd out called Sovereign its a great cd holy cow everyone NEEDS IT ill post a song from it they are all good songs tho its hard to find good cds but i can name 3 now lol

on an ending not my sister started blogging im happy she needs too it its good for you :) love ya sis! http://livelaughlovelinquist.blogspot.com/

 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Emotions run high

Im really missing my dad this am all week actually and im fighting back the tears because i dont wanna cry anymore.  Tony an mom  are heading to Houston today Tonys going to have heart surgery again poor guy hes so upset he has every reason to be sucks. i really hate that my mom is gunna be gone i dont wanna be home alone yet but ill be allright.  The boys start school Monday im so ready they are so ready too. Ive gotta find a job here and then im gunna get some money saved up enough so i can move to Galveston im  ready to be outta Amarillo i want a different view im tired of here. I want the boys to grow up some where nice the beach is perfect and its nice and so much to do and i think id have better job opportunity's there just a change will do good hey!! One of my friends from church called me i love her and her husband to death they are great!! Her mom died last year so she new exactly how i felt and so she understood how im feeling and everything she encouraged me alot and i totally needed it. im excited for church tonight. Art and i have been hanging out alot nothing new i adore him. i haven't been to dads grave since we took the kids i got something for it i need to go i just havent the guts to do it idk i want to tho...any who we have a house full of peeps and im feeling any moment ill cry or laugh so im gonna jump off this blog for now and catch up later. plus i gotta do some job searching!!

New Life Worship - Great I Am

Allready

it's been a month since my dad has left for heaven. Amy my sister posted on her face book these words and i cant think of more better ones to say "The calendar tells me its been a month...my head reminds me its been a month......my heart is screaming that my head and the calendar is wrong.."  that pretty much sums it up.  I know hes gone but im still are we sure sure sure?? and were pretty sure  just yea ... last week i had a dream that had me my mom and dad in a strange room my dad had on some nice black slacks and his shirt was shinny white robe looking thing and his head and face where shinny and bright nice looking he was giving me of his best dad hugs and was saying "im ok everything will be fine and ill see you soon" i woke up feeling uneasy because my dad is still dead so i had to go to walmarts and then to Amy's house all the way there i cried  because its the same way dad was driving and as soon i got to the place it was my like my heart jumped and the pain had went away and i had stop crying it was freaky -_-!!!

    However i haven't been to church since last month its not that i didn't wanna go i did wanna go but i really didn't feel like seeing the worlds face yet so I've been hiding out in my house only for the sake of others because im so moody -_- So i went to church on Sunday i made it almost through the song service then they sang "The Great I Am" (ill post song after) i couldn't not cry my face off i tried not to but it spoke to me reminding me that no matter what happens GOD is in control of every little detail of our life and how great and powerful He really is and that i don't need to worry or stress out about my dad, he loved the Lord and i know where he is to day  and that i need to straighten up and stop being so depressed and move forward with the LORD if i want to see either one of them in my time of death.  i felt just about 100% better after that song...
... then the first thing Pastor Doug talks about was death (lol) i chuckled with pain inside because hellur its a life ending sentence lol were born to die or as he said from a song "were just breathing to death" makes perfect since his sermon made me happy..Johnathan loved David as his own soul that's a pretty strong love and Johnathan pretty much sacrificed his life for David, David told Johnathan that  he would be his right hand man and get everything he got. Sadly Johnathan was killed....David becomes king and later on he not forgetting his "soul mate" ask if anyone  is left in Saul's ' ,Jonathan's dad, family and i think how great is God for it to be Mephibosheth Jonathan's son!! He gets to eat at the kings table and live there. He is reaping what his dad sawn i bet Jonathan was jumping for joy to known this. what a great story yall should all read it 1 and 2 Samuel.
   My dad has done some pretty great things for people an i feel blessed to hear the story's people tell i get happy butterfly's in my heart im glad he was my dad!! I love ya dad!! 

a little grave side decoration
  
Also on another note... Tony had heart surgery a year ago and well sadly he has to have it again  because the valve is messed up -_- how crap is that!! Its very upsetting mom and him haven't a clue what to do next so please pray for them yall its a tough situation!!

The Rosary eulogy

Hi im Amber Marcus's 29 your old daughter I've know him all my life *nervous laugh inserted here lol * any who The Bible says in James 4 :14... life is but a vapor here one minute and then gone the next...my dad is the vapor of the methanol burning off the race car motor. Every time we'd go to the race track he'd say with a big 'ol grin on his face you smell that oh how we share the love of that smell and race cars in fact the first car he taught me how to drive was a race car we almost died ,oh sh*t sorry i didn't mean to say this at my dads funeral rosary, He was the best dad ever i cant thank God enough for choosing him to be my earthly father Lord knows i was a mess when i kid but my dad straighten me out and he taught us how to love and respect and whatever we wanted we need to work for it. He was also the best Papa Marcus to our baby's we will all miss him dearly and i thank God we will  see him again I love you dad.

July 19 2014

I've finally coming to post the beach was amazing!!! we were having a nice summer vacation  me and the boys went to Austin for the month of July so Zaki can see his dad anyways who cares because this has been the WORST year of my entire life as some of you know...
  ....i woke up Saturday July 19 like any other day boys fighting over  video games and wanting to go swimming lol but my dad had called me we had just spoken on Thursday which  was normal we try to talk every other day or at least on the weekends any who he called me and his whole voice sounded different the phone was very strange he kept saying i love y'all told me i was good mom and he loved the boys which he always said that but this time it was different he asked to talk to the boys he spoke to Zaki ,Nehemiah didn't wanna talk  on the phone , then we talked bout his work and how tired he was since hes been there since Friday night!!!! Then we said our i luvs you and good bye. I  called my mom right after and told her that i talk to dad and it was weird phone call something felt different. After lunch i took the kids swimming it was bout 230 3ish and the boys were in the big pool i was trying to get in but it didnt feel right so i got in hot tub it was too hot and i literally began to feel sick and my soul started to hurt i didnt know what was wrong all i knew was i hurt and didnt feel good i felt to vomit or cry i couldnt so i made the boys get out and go in shower my mom called me 50xs but i didnt answer cause i had to shower the boys then Amjid came in and his face and his feelings said something was wrong i kept saying whats wrong theres something wrong i can feel i can see it on you he sat his bed saying something about his uncle and sabreen was like chill out i was like no somethings wrong and so he took her outside and he can back in crying his face off i was like someone better tell me whats wrong now!!! Then she told me my dad had died -_- i was like which one my real dad or my step dad Tony cause hes having alot of heart issues and she said no YOUR DAD and i just lost it all there i called my mom to make sure it was true he died somewhere between 330 and 4 pm in a car wreck we guess he fell asleep and wreck.  i had to call my sister she didn't  know she was at her friends house 30 miles away from Kelly i should have waited but i couldn't i had to tell her she needed to know from her sister no one else. So the next day i drove home from Austin and i couldn't believe it i still cant believe it. 

My dad was catholic so we had rosary and his funeral the next day it was nice his body was viewable at the funeral home but i didn't wanna go see it i just want his nice memory's in my mind not his dead body. the kids are having a hard time with this we all are we dont wanna believe it but its true. Amy an Kelly made a checkered flag cross with a 7 on it and we put it at the crash site.

the following Saturday at  RT66 motor speedway an the help of one of dads close friends put together a balloon release 7 purple 14 white and yellow balloons and her son did a victory lap for dad with checkered flags it was cool.Then the go-kart track did a race and other things i was stuck in Austin and i missed it :( but Amy recorded it it was nice an then his work did a nice thing of  catfish and chicken dinner good food and the people who worked for dad told us nice story's  and funny story's about him. He will missed like no other but i know he resides in heaven and ill see him again that makes this life just a little easier.

 ill post what i said at the rosary in another post. i didn't make it threw all the way because i was so nervous but ill post everything i said and wanted to say.

a new year

Hello friends and readers of my blog ,
Ive been away for way to long!! Sorry its been a roller coaster that im ready for it to STOP!! I mainly stopped blogging becuz Owen would cry about it everytime so after a long few month of not putting my thoughts anywhere i said oh well Owen can get OVER IT!! if you dont like it dont read it!! Anywho oh umm i really dont wanna catch up ive been a mess going threw jobs like no other the boys going crazy lol so pretty normal life i reckon but yea maybe not. Nehemiah is getting so big he has a love for God that is unreal but the devil is working double time on him but Nehemiah fights it as best as a 6 year old can. Hes been tripping out lately saying mommy whose gunna burry you when you die im gunna miss you and crying so hard he cant even sleep at night. I just pray for him when hes freaking out like that and that seems to calm him and put him to sleep. The first time he did that i freaked out and called my Paster from the old Pentacostal Church and he calmed me down and reassured me that God gives us peace and sound mind and not to be afraid. That helped alot and why would i be afraid of death? Absent of body is present with Christ!! but when i do think about it i do feel afraid only because of my babys but i know my family would take care of them duh! Also this place isnt our home we are just passing threw im an alien but ive comfortable here and thats not safe!!
Zakariah is getting so big he talks so much too!! Hes just going along with his happy little life!! he does miss his dad alot he just got outta jail weve spoken 2 times and skyped once im really surprised he hasnt come and seen him yet. but as for everything else nothings changed!! My moms dad and mom did passaway in 2013 hard time for my mom but shes doing alot better we have grandpas memorial this coming summer thats gunna be hard on her or a few weeks after that were going to the beach! gunna be awesome but ive gotta work and save money also i wanna save 4k to go Israel with my church Lord willing!! ill have a bake sales ?? lol gah if i dont see it in this life ill  live there in the next!! im out friends peace n Love in Jesus name!!