barley breathing

barley=only just...almost not 

almost not ...  i love this definition because its how the last month has been for me. a mess.

my heart hurts to night like a bad pain that my hardest sobs and gasps for air cant even compare to. the pain is screaming i miss my dad i need him right now i need his best dad hug i need his stern "listen kid im gonna kick your butt if you dont stop...(insert the newest mess i've gotten myself into for the week) 

i feel a million miles away from God...its ugly out here to much pain to bear really.. my friend say me "fake it till you make it" soo im taking that advice im pounding my head with all the verses that i know by memory listen to every song that praises God....i opened my bible on sunday at church its the first time in a while...i think the words were dancing with joy on the page at least my heart felt "at home"

so friends please keep me in your prayers because im almost not praying at all. 
thanks

Cant get enough of this song

a whole new year and..

I haven't been here I haven't wanted to write i haven't wanted to do anything except stay in a funky zombie mode. I hate it!!

Christmas came and gone it was ok i got the boys a bunch of stuff they wanted it was nice for them. New years came and gone and now its the end of January.

Im still feeling lost annoyed confused so many emotions i cant keep up and i felt i have ran so far away from God its not even funny

But i have come to a stopping point i have to for my soul for my sanity for the very breath that i breathe that i can hardly suck in the air to make sense of life sometime...
Thank You Jesus for always being there in my time of crazy and for never leaving me when i run so far away God help me to see only YOU!!

Thanksgiving...

was another day a new feel to an old holiday. It was nice to hang out with my sister we spent some much needed sister time together good chats and fun shopping kinda black friday on a thursday night was ridiculously stupid! i wont do it again!! It was also good to spend it wit my grandparents and my dads family. We talked about how thanksgiving was one of dads favoirte and how he likes to cook turkey and its always a new style or flavor of some sort!! It was good to talk about him my heart hurts that i cant call him. 

I have yelled at God and i even have stopped speaking to Him but not a second goes by that He reminds me Hes still in control and i need to stop and breath this is life and its gonna go on and get better the pain is still gonna be impending but only for a little bit!! 

Time is going like crazy

I haven't had internet for all month!!! Which sucks and so much has happen... oh I turned 30 its not really a big deal actually i thought about a having a "mid life" crisis but i did that when i was 22 haha so its whatever i don't feel older! 

I finally got a house!! It's cute 4 bedroom 2 bathroom its two story i  like it!! however for the future reference i don't want a two story house all flat is fine wit me!! 

I met this guy his name is Patrick!! I like him hes seems really cool!! Although hes younger then me lol 26 to be exact we seem to get along well! I went to his city this past weekend we went to this beach and walked on the pier had some good mexican food hung out a little bit with his grandma a nice little old lady. He has really nice family! i hope everything works out for the best!

I still miss my dad with every breathe i take and it seems easier to deal with when i dont think about him but when i do the melt down happens and streams of tears pour out of my eyes. Happens at least once a week. At the church here they have a grief class ill probably go to it and see how it is. I was talking to the Pastor  this morning i was like i feel mad i felt mad i was mad at God i was mad at everything and everyone and i wanted to blame my dads wife blame his job blame blame blame but i know its none of there faults and when i try to reason what happen it dont make sense and i feel mad all over again and asking God why why I already know why my dads work was done here God wanted him! i praise God that my dad knew Him had a relationship as well. 

I for the past few months have been clinging on to this verse :

 

yea its been the only thing that makes some sense to me!!  but yea im out this till a later day! 

hot and humid

is the weather here some days it rains its really nice. its October my favorite month because its my b-day month and because its the first of fall and its just a nice month!! I guess well see how October treats south Texas!!
   We still haven't found a house i know ive only been here two weeks but still i want one now! My kids need there own space its hard for them to sleep at night because they think its play time -_-! plus not having a space for my clothes and just to completely veg out isnt cool. Which im very very thankful, greatful and really blessed that my cousin is super awesome and lets us crash at her casa!! its very homey feeling and i like it!!
All of us as a family went to this aa dance because my other cousin goes to aa or whatever idk but it was fun and funny watching crazy's dance xD!!
 I have but havent been to much looking for a job im more looking for a house and feeling frustrated to the maxxxx but i know God has a plan!! something big is gunna happen soon with this world! Jesus we are ready for you to come so blow the trumpets!!
Sunday is my dirty 30 bday gah last weekend of m 20s lol im just gunna watch tv and hang out wit my boys!! ill past later!!

Tehillim 19 (Psalm 19)

^14 (15) Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my lev(heart), be acceptable in Thy sight, O Hashem, my Tzur (rock), and Go’ali (my Redeemer).

Sometimes i feel...

like a broken record on repeat when it comes to life and especially with my boys. Always same thing and just more frustration everyday. So i packed up some stuff on Thursday and i left Friday afternoon i checked the boys out of school and left Amarillo. I drove to Dallas spent the night and spent the day with my cousin and her kids it was nice to see them we had some fun!! Then i drove to Houston and i checked my boys into a new school and im looking for a house!

....... Why not!?

 We have one life to live and i dont wanna live it in amarillo because it sucks there!!! 

My dads birthday was on saturday and i tried all day not to think about it but everything i seen remind me of him he used to carry a giant mug to drink from and i seen them at every gas station -_- then driving to Houston i seen 3 sprint cars!!! lol i was like ok Fine dad i wont forget i cant forget i just cant call you and tell you so i just whispered happy first birthday in heaven dad! 

well nothing much else is happening just looking for a house im staying with my cousin at her house shes a trip were alot a like including our looks its kinda freaky LoL but cool ! Im gunna go to Galveston island and walk around look for a job or something fun.